i had 75 notifications coming from ur status. here i was thinking i had friends.
im spending all my christmas money on new years parafanalia aka things I will ingest or lose by the next morning
The bong broke. we're having a little funeral followed by an inaugeration service for the new one
The fact that its 530pm and I'm saying to myself I should sober up since I'm at a family establishment should say enough
Empowerment dancing to Touch Me in the Morning by Diana Ross. Handling this breakup SO well.
I'm amazed your boyfriend is still with you, how do you manage to pee on him while he is holding you in his lap?
Tough to be a good wingman when you puke on yourself and everyone w/in a 5 ft radius at the FIRST bar we go to so don't tell me to step my game up
Dude, she's the greatest salesman alive. she convinced chelsea to buy a box of Cheerios for $20. She can find your dick some willing pussy.
The picture that pops up when I call her phone is a picture of my nipple. Just so you're forewarned.
I just realized my new apartment is at the corner of Patrick Henry and Mary Jane.
Give me weed or give me death?
Walked in on my roommate covering his dick in blue frosting. Am staying with my folks for the Forth. See you Monday if the brain bleach works.
If you could come do me into like a 12 hour coma that'd be great
I DO have hobbies! I drink. I drink more. I catfish men on Grindr with photos of guys who are less attractive than me. I listen to Lovecraftian podcasts. I'm very well-rounded.
If I shall die, I wish to bequeath to you my personal library, my sigma tau delta presidency and all it's apparel, and a puppy.
I almost suffocated in that mask but she kept calling me Jeremy so I kept it on.
Randomize
