4:12a: just got back to his place now. I don't want to talk about it
So there are ramen noodles in the shower you need to explain...
i'm telling everyone you had sex with a puerto rican drug lord
You smell like stripper and shame
he stole me 6 pairs of frilly undies and proclaimed "your ass looks like a 5 in those. it'll be a 10 in these bad boys". every girl needs a gay bff.
My brain is officially off for summer until late august. If that guy wants to fuck me, he better do it soon.
I was passed out in a dog food bowl tor two hours. Just tapped my dinner beer. I love homecoming.
She drove all the way from Austin to have sex with me. I think it's a safe assumption my dick will have an easy life in college.
Sean slept in the bushes beside my house again. Any reason he kept screaming/slurring 'it was all a bunch of goddamn lies' through out the night?
If someone told me one person in the department was secretly a death eater, I would suspect her, no contest.
The angle I tried to shoot a load on her face was unfortunate. I accidentally came on the David Bowie tribute she had out. Oddly, that made it more erotic.
My cat is watching me play with my new vibrator
I tried to cut you?! I'm sorry! PS where's my hair?
So...I was fapping and during it, I got an Amber Alert notification...that's just bad timing.
Saw throw up in the parking lot at work, glad I'm not the only one. But now the search begins.
Mary's wearing shades at her desk, brilliant!
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