Miracle whip is the devil's jizz.
P.S. theres no milk for breakfast, but theres plenty of beer or red wine. you decide.
the liquor store owner came out from behind the counter and kissed my cheek when he saw that i am back for fall semester
Of course, I believed he would find me irrestible...sloppy drunk, chugging from a bottle of chardonnay, and completely naked because those kids stole my clothes as I was swimming on their private beach
Land Before Time marathon. we drink every time littlefoot almost eats a treestar.
He needs a high five right to the fucking mouth. With a chair. Or an atomic bomb.
Sorry my hands just texted you
She's wearing her dead grandmother's pearl on the married finger so no guys "bother her" tonight... I am not THAT committed to Girl's Night.
How was the birthday sex?
Shit got outta hand. Honestly I think even my STDs have STDs.
Found a popcorn kernel in my pubes... Time fir a Brazilian
I have got to stop taking so many uppers and downers simultaneously. My life is a Dali painting.
ok now I feel liek a very drunk human instead of a chaos being thanks water
it was her dad's 50th birthday kegger. Within the first 5 minutes I got punched in the ear from an off-duty cop and smoked a joint the size of my vibrator.
oh yeah, and she got boxed-out by said cop. Then her dad turned around and high-fived him for it
Idk man, we spent like 20 mins arguing about the moral ambiguity of fucking in someone else's car
I just paid $10 for tinder plus so that I could change my location to Rio and match with Olympic Athletes
Randomize
