how could I be having a bad time, I have the three most important things in life: Goat cheese, Xanax, and Saved By the Bell Re-runs.
By the way, your roommate is right. His penis is much bigger than yours.
You sent her a pic of your dick with 'guess what you cant have anymore' written on it with a marker.
When she talks to me all I hear are 5 generations of inbreeding speaking.
you just kept bragging about how there was a "pretty large" chance that you had pooped on the same toilet as George Clooney
Could someone please explain the rug burn on the right side of my face and do I need a shot of penicillin?
My mom has finally acknowledged my soft spot for Russians. Finally.
I don't listen when you talk. I just try to find new creative ways to get you to send me naked pictures.
Hahaha I can already see the arrest warrants. It's gonna be beautiful. I'll get them framed.
I still regret not being there for your blackout into the dumpster last year
No. Every time we go there, you end up getting high, then lost, then going home with strangers.
Omg cinnamon bun Oreos. Thanks weed
I woke up next to a box of cheese bread it was super romantic
Just don’t be like me and break up between Christmas and NYE and then get blackout on NYE and puke in your undies.
I'm one bad relationship away from owning seven cats.
Randomize
