this girl is running around outside screaming, it's creaming on me! it's creaming on me. I totally have to find my video camera
Do you ever think that bumblebee is the gay transformer?
Every day of my life.
so...dinner was kid's cuisine and a bottle of wine. i think they go well together.
I just saw a San Diego firetruck. No wonder they can't figure out how to fight wildfires if they get so fucking lost they end up in Nebraska.
seagrams + popov + pineapple + milk. there, ur search for worlds worst drink is over. you're welcome
i have to start hiding my credit card when i drink i woke up this morning with 4 emails from Farmville telling me i spent over $800 on coins last night
I think i found piece of your tooth in my dick this morning when i took a shower
We were eating hotdog buns dipped in French onion dip in lawn chairs at 4am. That drunk
let's make a party pact right now just as precaution for this trip: ill make sure you don't piss yourself if you make sure I don't bang my cousins friends. deal?
WEED IS MY SPIRIT ANIMAL
That one probably shouldn't have been in caps
ive decided that just saying "yes" when people assume I am something other than Caucasian will highly benefit my love life. last night I was native.
Any idea why my ass cheeks are bruised again?
The fact that theyre bruised AGAIN means you're not adult enough to know why.
I just want this to serve as a reminder in the morning that the topic of conversation at last call was the penis size of jesus.
And somehow in between all the vomitting you managed to mumble "Well this is attractive!" And I swear that's when I fell in love. Best. First. Date. Ever!
She got a boob job, dumped her husband, became a stripper, got a DUI in her Porsche and is now dating her lawyer
I’m making her my life coach if med school doesn’t work out
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