you know you've been playing too much mario kart when you see a curve in the road ahead and see yourself drifting around it
Why are you ignoring all of my texts?
The power was out.
I cant wait for the day that I tell my daughter I named her after my favorite porn star.
There was jim beam in your oven. I just preheated it.
Public safety found my id!
And i can't find my bra so i'm assuming they found my bra with my id which would explain the disapproving tone the lady on the phone had.
How far into the semester do we have to be before it's ok to get drunk in between classes again?
He has a chalkboard tally in his bathroom of "Me vs. Toilet". He's losing.
I know eh? If a man wants to pay 7 bucks to see some boobies he should be allowed to do so in peace.
Come over and help me clean up your so-called "winter wonderland" that you made with the fire extinguisher in the kitchen last night.
I know you claim to have a large penis but I do not believe in what i cannot see. Sort of like god.
I just blurted out "it's pretty tight isn't it"
He led me to his room and handed me the remote, he left to go take a shower and there is a group of guys across the hall just staring at me... Its like they know something i dont. Help me.
I hear jingle bells and I can't tell if it's bc I'm feeling festive or just REALLY high
I fucked a French man last night. 5 Times. Ashed my cig in his cactus. That later set on fire while we were having sex.
just showered sitting down cuz standing seemed like too much work, thursdays need to stop making me their bitch.
Randomize
