Tell me I did not drive one hour for whiskey dick.
I love the progression of these pictures. I go from cute to Courtney Love
are you just going to ignore any texts involving my penis from now on? because thats going to shut down a pretty sizeable portion of our conversations.
woke up this morning to find the entire staircase covered in marinara sauce, with my roommate practically sobbing and scrubbing the wall with carpet cleaner.
What do I have to do to get you laid? I talked to that girl with the ugly dog for 45 minutes trying to get you in, and all you said was "Steven Spielberg is my favorite director."
when she asked where we met, i said the liquor store. the next words out of moms mouth? 'oh that's real promising molly'
I had a great penis washing session in the sink before I left. Washed off all the bar and green beer
Just saw a dude in a banana costume get beat down by a one shoed black dude wearing a kilt...paninis is such a shit show after 10 on a Saturday
No need to call an exterminator, the ants overdosed on the leftover lines on the counter.
I would makeout with my roommate, but im not drunk enough and she doesnt like bacon fat
I don't like sad things. I do like drinking though
Based on my body hair location, my ancestors had very cold hamstrings and very warm chests
I figure even if it starts out as just sex I can bang him into loving me
I'm too picky for internet dating and by picky I mean psycho.
Omg. I'm living macklemores best life. I have someone's granddads dog, I'm about to have someone's grandmas car. I look incredible.
Randomize
