Just ran into that chick u called from my phone and left her a MSG bout how she has aids
Ahaha, good shit
You tried to convince her that if she gave you head she'd hear the ocean.....
Pro tip: Don't start playing Bejeweled on Facebook while waiting for your Adderall to kick in. Unless you have the next 9 hours free.
Wow. Thanks for becoming another fan of something on Facebook. You make me want to gouge my eyes out.
I've now graduated to the level of gay where I can tell Tegan and Sara apart.
i have to go- we're throwing the dummy from the balcony again
Notice: I will be intoxicated and in your area this evening. To unsubscribe from my sexual solicitation list, reply 'fuck off'.
Yeah bro I don't know how she's gonna explain the black eye, how else do you tell your boss "my knee hit me in the face during sex last night"
Power went out. She lit a candle and gave me head. Made some pretty impressive candlelight cocksucking shadowpuppets. Must be what porn was like in olden times.
Come on down you're the next contestant on "lets go drinking!"
Great news! In less than 2 hours, I'm ripping your underwear off with my teeth!
Started my day with puking in a trash can.... Its gonna be a beautiful day
I just got a text from a guy. The python is ours if we want.
I woke up to him watching me sleep and after I told him it was over he asked if we were still on for Vegas next weekend
That bitch claimed that you said it was ok if she drank your vodka. Obviously she has never met you
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