Santa Claus winked at me two tables over at the Chinese place tonight I was almost afraid he knew "getting laid" was my Christmas wish
She said you were bangin on the counters of McDonalds singing "These Eyes" at 4am
I'm telling you the guy came in bought a box of condoms and all three of the chicks that came in behind him followed him to his car. I want his life
I AM OVULATING LIKE A STEAM ENGINE.
he quoted the bible to break up with me
I think I used your jacking off shit when I showered. I couldn't see shit, it was all oily. Fuck power outages
I just feel like you're using me for sex.
I'm glad you finally understand the context of our relationship
Officially conquered sex on my couch with my dad asleep in the next room
I like how you say "conquered" as if that was your sole mission in life
I woke up in his bed wearing nothing but a penn state hat. We are....
I'm gonna die. First I'm gonna throw up. But then I'm gonna die.
I woke up cuddling a ham. That's not a euphemism. I actually slept with an entire ham.
So as you were leaving, you leaned on the table too much and 3 glasses slid and fell to the floor. You then looked at me and said "To be honest, glass isnt that expensive anyways" and stumbled out of the bar.
While walking to class I was handed a red bull, condoms, and a mini bible. I love my school.
Remember, today is also the anniversary of Harambe's death. D**** out.
No, he wouldn't have sex with me....but on the brightside I managed to fit the entire falafel sandwhich in my purse!!
Randomize