Whatcha textin bout Willis?
I locked my keys in my car in front of planned parenthood. I'm terrified of going inside to ask to borrow a clothes hangar.
Just tell them you need to fix a mistake real quick.
and then they started calling me 'Shitshow Shandra', which apparently i took as a compliment.
OMG the post office opened my dildo! "we sincerely regret the damage to your package"
Just saw a homeless man taking a shower in someone's sprinkler system....
i know i shouldn't tell you this since i want you to really like me but i just spent the last 4 hours sleeping on the toilet.
My dad picked me up from the bus station and as soon as he saw me he yelled "bus backwards is SUB!" and started laughing, I'm like 800% sure he's stoned. I'm so happy I came home for spring break.
Matt's offering to breast feed it.
I used an explanation of Walking Marriages in the Mosuo Culture to successfully negotiate an open relationship. That Anthropology degree is finally starting to pay off.
She just kept roaring and saying Katy Perry had nothing on her. Wtf did she take?
According to Joseph, last night I crawled into bed and told him to pretend I'm his French maid, and then started speaking with a German accent, and referring to his manbits as "ze greatest Weiner schnitzel I'd ever seen". Basically, last night was a roaring success.
First dip in a brand new jar of Nutella, and my man’s dick are two things I will not fucking share.
The cat likes watching me spank Michael. I don’t know how to feel about this.
This girls ass literally just fell out of her jeans in front on me on the escalator. Going commando on a Monday morning is a bold move.
So, I can officially cross "getting eaten out in a church confession booth" off my bucket list.
Randomize
