Overheard: "his girlfriend fucks him with the lights off. It's not serious."
lmfao. well really. it's not love if you cringe at the site of his anus.
My Nuvaring birth control makes me queef.
just balanced a champagne glass on my gut. thanks to beer im a living breathing tempur-pedic mattress.
giving a 30 min presentation still drunk is like giving birth, upside down in a pit of snakes while being on fire.
He kept saying that the puke outside the theater wasn't his and it was all a set up to keep him from partying with the whores. Then he passed out on the sidewalk.
then he asked me if i wanted to "handle his wingman"
I am sweating out the vodka to make room for the whiskey tonight.
I didn't want to have to tell you this, violating our brother/sister code not to discuss these things but: for the love of christ stop inviting that 21 year old idiot I slept with for six months to EVERY PARTY WE THROW.
hey, this is the ginger girl from the party...i've thought about it and I wanna join the american girl drinking team
Piecing together the sordid story from witness accounts and photographic evidence, courtesy of Fcebook. My night included Mojitos, lighting the bar on fire and declaring myself the Queen of Nerds when I stole someone's flashing tiara. Woke up this morning with a velvet cape and plastic scepter to match. Mojitos are awesome!
That was the #1 scariest moment in my life. I have full trust in you, I let you bite my penis for god sake.
So for St Paddys day I colored my junk green and got a little hat for him....wanna see it before I sober up....
Apparently, im the only one in the world who thinks Larry King is hot.
I think I just received the most dignified proposition of my life. From the father of the bride. Who'd have thought.
Don't read too much into what I just sent. I love you, always have, but I'm drunk and sorry for the confusion.
Which part? The boyfriend or the sex?
Boyfriend. SEX IS ON!!!
Randomize
