Pregnant stripper...not hot.
I used a bag of wine as a pillow last night.
I must have had a great time last night.. I woke up with coconut oil all over my glasses
Ask me how many people I've slept with. Because its changed since I last saw you.
I saw you 20 MINUTES AGO. You need to stop this.
You were telling me to give my phone mouth to mouth so it wouldn't die.. Should i be worried for you?
its not like she's the last girl on the planet with symmetrical breasts and great skin
He said in a slur "I go so hard, even when I..." and cut himself off by projectile vomiting all over the ice luge.
Do you think that my Facebook profile picture kinda look like im being raped by a 10 foot polar bear ?
Well for better or worse the home brew is almost done, want to get drunk/loose your sight tonight?
I just...no. You make my soul cry. You are giving me karma-cancer. This torture of my majesticness can no longer be tolerated.
Chang gave me a 1.5 gallon beer tasting cup, i have a new boyfriend with a huge stick, Members of the Irish Rugby team slapped my ass and cheered for firmness, and a couple of strangers are naming the child after me. Best. Weekend.Ever.
What would you do if your asshole suddenly made the sound of a sheep duck baa/quacking the words kill me
You are so incredibly one of a kind, it's astounding
I plan to get very, very drunk when I get off work.
But doesn't your shift end at like noon?
I don't think you understand.
My Easter dress smells like alcohol, men, and bad decisions
kick those bitches in the teeth and tell them mama came to party
Randomize