she called my cock the "semen sword" and then we invented a position called excalibur
I woke up with the wrong plaid-shirted guy in my bed.
At best buy, little boy just crawled into my stall while i was taking a shit
I love him. He's like the father I never had that I kind of want to fuck.
I'm still trying to decide if it's a complement when he said "I'd like to subscribe to your daddy issues".
He had me believing he was actually British until he came and used his real voice.
Just asked my dog if he was proud of me for making it home. That drunk.
Found a guy passed out on the coffee table with a thong duct taped from ear to ear.
It felt like he was juggling my kidneys with the head of his penis... If you could even call it that, it was more like a lochness monster. Huge and mythical.
Scary. I thought trees were a lie and that someone ha permanently stenciled them into my life. No joke.
You mistakenly try to piss in a cactus bush ONE TIME and are forever dubbed cactus ass
Also your Swedish friend who's name I don't remember is really good in bed.
*Norwegian
I hate her so much I want to fuck her boyfriend.
Your amazing boobs made me fall in love with boobs. I never cared about boobs you should be proud
If you have been drunk at one point during the day and are going to bed sober that same day, something is very wrong.
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