You wanna call me after your homoerotic shower?
I woke up and there was 3 different size condom wrappers on the floor. What is this goldie locks and the 3 condoms???
LETS GO REDSKINS!
Quit drinking and watching your DVR, it's wednesday.
What tipped you off? The sombrero?
you can't tell me you didn't shit your pants I saw them in the trash can by the bathroom.
Complete silence. Background Willy Wonka music. An empty back of Lay's BBQ chips. These are the ingredients for an extreme acid trip.
Woke up w/ the same freshman as last Saturday but we were sober this time. Is that a relationship?
I just saw him carrying his little sister while walking his puppy. And he was shirtless. I swear my ovaries just exploded
You just made it sound like a children's toy! It's a functioning body organ, my vagina is not a gameboy!!!
No joke, I just found $85 on the ground. Must be because I bought you all that liquor. So much good karma.
I'm getting married
To pizza
Currently on my Sunday walk of shame. Should I go to church?
He changed the password on his Netflix account. The break up is official.
I feel like my entire body is ashamed of me today
You're a god amongst men today
Passed out in someones front yard last night. Got woke u?p by a lady walking her dog at 6am. Rock bottom.
Randomize
