Will you take my knitting needle, stick it far up my nose, reach in my frontal lobe and give it a few swirls?
rolled in at 7am w/ 2 girls i met at the strip club. my neighbor was getting up to mow the lawn before he took his kids to school. i'm 31. he's younger. if given the chance, you think he'd want to switch places?
I just got a standing ovation when i made it to work on New Years Day. good thing?
We've had the 'life would be so much better if we were both lesbians' conversation too much for that to be okay.
My mom just told me to make sure my face isn't on the front cover of the newspaper on 4/21. Challenge accepted
I can hear her moaning. I'm on some random guy's counter. He wanted me to cuddle but I said I didn't know how.
No. No. And hell no. If you are driving a Honda Fit you are not allowed to give me a dirty look. No.
You convinced her to break up with her boyfriend, made out with her all night, got her to buy us all shots then went home with a different girl...
That explains the "i hate you" text. But the facebook deletion is a bit harsh
im eating mac and cheese with a makeup brush. there is wayyyyy too much wrong with this night.
I slept with someone only because he got my Simon Birch impression. It was a new low.
What kind of life do I lead that no one is surprised by the fact that I was watching porn at work with the hot 37 year old?
Oddly enough, the sex change dream i had made me miss you more.
I though he and I knew each other well enough that we could go to my hotel room to do a bunch of cocaine together without their being any homoerotic implications, but NOOOOOOOOO!
You invited these random guys into your apartment that you met in the hallway...& then you started screaming at them to get out cause you didn't know who they were.
I'm sorry I get my lefts and rights confused because I'm dyslexic. But, it took you at least 15 minutes to figure out it wasn't your room OR YOUR HUSBAND.
Randomize
