My sheets look like a crime scene.
She looked kinda like Mario Batali?
im vomiting on the 4th floor cause no one knows me there
My Pizza Lunchables won't fit in the fridge because of all your alcohol. One of our addictions has to give.
...then she kept trying to make balloon animals with my flacid penis. I'm never drinking whisky with you again.
I thought of you this morning when I woke up in a bed with a girl wrapped in duct tape dressed as a coors light can.
You straddled the banister and fell down the stairs, then proceeded to crawl back up them, I think you need to lay down
Do you know of any good hiding spots in the Atlanta area?
So this is what you do on your hungover days off put your balls into an egg carton?
YOU'RE CHANGING THE SUBJECT. I CAN BLOW SOMETHING UP OR I CAN TELL HIM YOU LOVE HIM, BUT ONE OF THE TWO IS BOUND TO HAPPEN
im In safeway buying a bottle of Ciroc in short shorts at 3:00 pm on a Monday, yeah I don't know either.
My girlfriend is talking to my ex-boyfriend at the bar right now. I REPEAT, GIRLFRIEND IS TALKING TO EX BOYFRIEND RIGHT NOW. GET ME THE FUCK OUT OF THIS PLAACE
I've seen too many dicks in the past week. I can't do it anymore.
I just announced to Denny's that I'm not wearing a bra.
i don't care if you are my best friend. does not give you the right to describe how well my sister gives blowjobs.
how about your cousin?
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