i feel like everytime i say im going to quit drinking someone comes along with a better idea about drinking
It was at that moment that I realized I was alone. Alone and drunk on an Epcot ride.
and i fell asleep on top of a grilled cheese sandwich. not the best decision. but not the worst.
and now there are teeth marks on my dick.
I knew I fucked up when I woke up with the meat scissors in my hand.
You just handed me your ATM card and wrote your PIN number on a dollar bill and said "for bail money."
Only thing I got out of his drunken Spanish is something that sounded like "pencil sharpener." Damn rosetta stone.
For the record we tried to find 4th of july porn. Did not turn out well.
my vagina hasn't met your boyfriend yet ... makes me sad
I may or may not have just hot boxed a backhoe on the construction site of a police station that's being rebuilt..
I don't trust a bar IN TENNESSEE that doesn't have Jack Daniels.
I had to reschedule my trainer meeting so now I'm just here eating hot pockets
The moment when you and your BFF compare frequently used emojis and realize you have similar mental disorders and a really weak alibi.
Pro tip: If you tell him that his dick looks like a muppet then you won't have to see him again.
His birthday is on cinco de mayo and he doesn’t drink or like tacos. What a waste.
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