im at the bar and i misjudged a fart...go home or ride the night out?Never mind, the bouncer made the decision for me...be home soon
Idk if this white stuff in my shower is conditioner or... something else?
So I was blaaazed. & while he was in me all I kept thinking was how bad I'd rather be watching The Office.
i had to take my roommates dildo out of her suitcase so I could use it
the suitcase or the dildo?
just hooked up with an air force officer in a hotel room paid for by the military. i feel like i should go around thanking taxpayers for the assist.
But i guess when you use blowjob as a verb you are entitled to some language allowances
Still had my bottle opener ring on. Started to give him a hand job. LOL
If I get laid, we are framing that mattress and hanging it on the wall as the place we both lost our virginities.
I would've been fine if I didn't do the three shots
You did like 8
Everyone should know the rule that if your dicks touch during a threeway you just make lightsaber noises and move on.
He's taking me to Tao. This is going to be so weird. How do you go on a first date with a guy that has seen you naked more times than clothed?
This strip club is mediocre. Talent is fine. Fung shui is bad.
Status: mom bitching about grandma not shutting the fuck up, while not shutting the fuck up. Dear Jesus give me strength or more bourbon.
The cop asked me why my pants were around my knees when he woke me from the sink, i replied "Officer, my underwear is still on, nothing bad happened" then he nodded in acknowledgement and we carried on with the paper work.
don’t ask me. i snorted coke off of a pregnancy test box last night. i obviously don’t make the best life choices.
Randomize
