Condoms? Check. Glitter? Check. Fuck me pumps? Double check. Dignity? No where to be found. I'm about to homewreck the shit out of that dumb bitch.
I've been meaning to talk to you about your lack of self-respect these days and the toll it's taking on your vagina.
I wonder if they've ever made a porno about the song "she'll be comin' round the mountain when she comes"
your brother is wearing shin guards in the swimming pool. i have a feeling that this happens often
I told him I don't date guys unless they play a musical instrument. So, he's here and he brought a kazoo.
I'm playing a little game called "how many shots of jack can I take before I become a shit show tonight". All front row seats are sold out.
i preemptively threaten to cock slap your kids if they are snobby yuppy bitches
So this guy is eyeing me from across the bar. Either the girl I hit on next to him is his girlfriend or he's her gay best friend. I should show him my Penis and find out.
Dude. Do it.
Definitely her date. But she saw it too. So now he used to be her date. Why can't this stuff Happen when I'm sober?
I have hit nutritional rock bottom I am spreading peanut butter on to lays potato chips
Just missed the last train for another 5 hours. There are balls in or around the mouth of my life.
Today has been like a snow day for your boobs. No rules, just doing whatever they want.
I just threw up vodka and hot dogs in a handicapped stall with someone in it who couldn't make me leave because he couldn't walk.
Today in French class my teacher was singing "what does the fox say" so i started answering in similar satanic ritual noises
I cannot lay down. I will throw up my life and your life and the class hamster I had in third grade.
Sorry for peeing on you and your bed last night.
Having sex with him is like yoga. I do it in the morning and then can't walk for three days afterwards.
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