True or false: I did not bring home a 28 year old last night.
True? Did she teach you things?
She taught me the meaning of awkward goodbyes at 530 am.
Took her home last night and it was like trying to put an oyster in a slot machine. I may have drank a little too much.
You know you're a nerd when you lose track of how many times you've gotten turned on watching Glee.
he proceeded to grab my vagina through my leggings in the middle of the dance floor. strangely enough I was okay with it
I woke up in nothing but a shower cap and your sparkling coke straw snorter thing inbetween my toes. Explain.
I guess I made wings because there's chicken everywhere. Even on the walls. 3 of them. It's like a chicken grave yard.
I will pre answer that I did not see it the fun way. He was peeing outside.
I FEEL LIKE I CAN TAKE DOWN A FULLY GROWN MOUNTAIN LION WITH ONLY A POINTY STICK OH MY GOD
Hes wearing a shirt that says warning shitshow and i cant help but think his attorney made him wear it so ppl know the dangers.
Whatever happend to that lawsuit where he got sued for shittig in that fish tank
There was just a girl standing next to me on the train, wasted, wearing only one shoe. I so wanted to pat her on the shoulder and say "oh honey, we've all been there"
It was all fun and games until she said "you're so pretty I wanna punch you in the face" and the proceeded to punch her in the face
High-fiving last weekend's hook up in passing on the way to class has given me quite the lady boner.
But I made it seem like I wasn't hungover at work, so that's a plus.
Baked out of my mind. Went in the bathroom, a daddy long leg spider and a carpenter ant are battling it out on the floor. I brought my computer with some dubstep.
OMG THE ANT WON
Not even a manhunt keeps my brother and his friends from the bars
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