I wanna wear you like a flannel shirt
I mixed the ketchup wit the mustard in one bottle to save time making hotdogs
mike has just informed me of all the things he would put in his pussy if he was a woman. this includes door stops, power drills & g.i. joes.
"and then my dad would be all like 'hey mike, where's the remote?'"
I swear I could audibly hear her vagina slam shut when you walked up to hit on her.
Coming home soaking wet at three am and trying to convince the front desk man that we came from the library might have worked if I wasn't also roaring at everything.
He started telling people I was Stephen Hawking's son. When that didnt fly he switched to Tony Romo's cousin
He is just lying there. People are throwing money onto his chest as they walk by...
sorry bout that man. went out to pay the pizza boy, ended up hooking up with some random drunk girl that thought i was someone else
I woke up this morning and the lid to the back of my toilet was missing. Dahfaq do I do with this shit?
He wins the giant teddy bear for getting the neuva ring on the dick
Just took a shot of 151, rimmned my middle finger in it, lit it on fire and lit a cigarette off it while flicking off my boss. How was your night??
Someone stole a lamp last night.
I'm shotgunning a meatball sub and watching flip or flop. i have reached a new level of singledom.
Well, I just puked in the shower in case anyone wants an update on how my day is going
I sent him nudes while he is at work because I am an evil human being.
Randomize
