Why are there so many empty soda cans in my room?
You put them in a circle around your bed and said it was the best way to ward of the witches from hocus pocus....then you remembered you needed salt too. I'm assuming you havent gone to the bathroom yet.
Question. If Kwik Trip and Kum and Go were to merge, what would they call it? Kwik Kum or Kum Kwik?
I just found out that AAA will pick you up if you're drunk for free if you're a member. How did I not know about this?
You were pretty committed to that cat costume. Between pukes, you would meow and assure people that you just had a hairball you couldn't get out...
i was way too optimistic last night... got back to my apartment and the porch light was still on, like i'd actually make it all the way home.
Need toilet paper. Napkins suck. Slowly running out of those two and the bleeding hasn't stopped. Your cat is next
She trust falled out of a window. It was like that scene from A Little Princess but with a lot more blood.
with a cock that big I don't even care that he makes a convincing drag queen
I just sat in the bathtub with the shower running so I could eat the whole box of mega stuffed Oreos. What am I doing with my life
dude his girlfriend left the meanest shit just marinating in our toilet. I'm gonna have to snap chat this out, theres no other option. prepare yourself
i think the realest test of our friendship is how hot your sister looks right now
Tight. Want to get up, make coffee, sit on separate couches and silently read our mobile devices together?
Kind of like the new iOS 10 because I can send sexts with fireworks or confetti. Really gets the point across
No, it's okay that he's on a date. I attach no more emotion to him than I do my vibrator.
Are these your boobs on my camera?
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