As soon as he told me I had a 'pretty laugh' I knew I'd be putting out more than I had originally planned.
I'm just trying to think of how much money Little Debbie would make if pot was legalized.
Next person that gets my dog drunk is paying to have my carpet cleaned. I am tired of getting up to pee and stepping in dog barf.
That would be a mascot riding an ATV at a semi-professional hockey game, if that doesn't sum up how I've been I don't know what could
You're talking about alcohol when the smell of hand sanitizer is too much for me right now
Like 50% of me thinks it'll be weird, 25% of me is curious & 25% of me is horny
I just sang Hey Jude with a homeless man and then we drank beer together. Then I watched asians take pictures under a xmas tree for an hour and fell asleep in an MGM Grand bathroom stall. #AloneinVegas
Someone explain why I'm twerking in my bathroom right now before a charity run
There's a girl passed out on the sidewalk at the parade. Its not even 10am. She gave candy to children saying it was ketchup. Still think I have a problem?
When I am this hungover I become increasingly grateful for having my own private office
I finally broke my dry spell. I did it. D-do-da-Dora.
I swear to god if I have to repeat this to you one more mother fucking time I will flip fucking shit and acidic rain will pour down upon your mother fucking soul
i just watched a 7 minute video on people making a hot air balloon for their dog and i am a changed person
I wish there was a tumbleweed emoji. Because that would describe my vagina.
Don't get mad but There's blood everywhere and the only thing I remember is the bj from your cousin.
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