She made me go with her to get a pregnancy test since she's missed a few birth control pills. She made me park in the "expectant mothers" spot at CVS and preceded to ask if it would be in the pest control section.
So then the officer asked you how you were getting home and you told him "very carefully"
Been at work for four hours and just discovered the chairs in my office double as a napping surface. Most productive thing I've done all day
we used a swiffer mop as a stripper pole.
Only time i ever look at my online banking statement is to see when i left the bar.
Also, I'd like to add that that I'm not quitting my job, my boss fed me shots at 11 am this morning.
She makes walking on a treadmill look like a porno. I wish I could send over shots as an ice breaker.
That's effing brilliant. We should start a business.
I blew him and did charles barkley impressions at the same time. what a pro
I'm going to give blood tomorrow. Prepare yourself for pictures and a cynical poem about the heart and its level of tangibility.
(This is the second time ive been high enough to decide to run for office)
He was just lying in his underwear like a present. I had to unwrap it.
Watching Rudolph while stoned is practically a religious experience.
This German chick looked me up and down for a while. Then she grabbed my crotch, let go after a few seconds, and said "you vill do". I think I'm gonna like tonight.
I feel like the dump I just dropped is the most successful thing I've done so far today.
so I'm walking to my last final while opening my giant red bull and i look over to my right and the guy beside me had one too and was looking back at me. without missing a beat he pulls out a bottle of jager, pours half in mine, half in his and goes "cheers"....i'm not even mad i probably failed my final
Randomize