Watching NYC prep. Doing a shot everytime one of these d-bags flips his hair. I give it 10 minutes before alcohol poisoning set in.
FYI angry masturbation is not as cool angry sex
You fell asleep with your fingers in my vagina. You made this a relationship.
She just tried to snort granola up her nose but its ok she's not bleeding.
So... Sorry I threw that watermelon at you the other day. I didn't think it would break any bones.
Just got a message on OkCupid from a 20-year-old who has "Momma's Boy" tattoed across his chest and thinks the earth is bigger than the sun.
I just sent him 3 long ass texts about how to tell a girl how he feels. I should get a fucking friend zone medal.
I will make you one.
Good. It needs "forever alone" engraved on it
He put oyster crackers in his ramen noodles. Is that a thing? Because holy shit I had never thought of it before and if it's not a thing he's my new stoner hero for discovering it.
Sometimes turtles just really trip me out man
What the matter? A girl can't play some Super Mario without being accused of being high?
the only thing she has in her apt so far is toilet paper and shot glasses. you can see where the priorities lie.
Of course he's seen my tits, I wave those things around like a trump supporter does an American flag
Why were you doing tequila shots out of Boston Pizza dip containers?
I got a message the other day that just said “great tits”
A gentleman AND a scholar
Well, thanks for not letting me sleep with anyone, but no thanks for telling everyone I have the clap.
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