My pee smelled like sake this morning it was sooo disgusting.
You should swallow it and be like the ticking crocodile. Only you play Still of the Night.
i love how i spend my mornings exploring my phone to see what i did last night.
i know we're in college but you cant booty call me at 3 in the afternoon. i dont care how drunk you are.
Woke up in a different state, wearing only a bk crown. My boxers are in a tree and I think I went to the hospital last night.....
I told you not to do acid with the girl who works the late shift at 7-11
i didnt mean to paint the dog... it just kinda happened
I just asked my hair stylist how many percocets she'd do my hair for.
I want a meaningful relationship and i wont get one if i keep giving him blow jobs in my basement while watching family guy.
yeah...i noticed he pets people when he's drunk. It's odd.
high enough to want to lick peanut butter off of Michael Buble's vocal chords as he serenades me.
IT'S A HOLY FESTIVAL. A BUDDHIST CELEBRATION OF PENIS.
I mean technically the bite was both in my nose and on the outside of it. I thought I was going to need stitches or something.
Why was his mouth around your nose anyways?
It was just one of those nights, man.
I figure even if it starts out as just sex I can bang him into loving me
Ryan Reynolds is on sesame street right now. Dressed as a letter A but still sexy as fuck. PBS is so considerate of the stay at home mom.
You had a fry stuck to your face... Every five mins you would wake up, take a bite, put it back then fall asleep again...
Randomize
