she then came into the room and yelled I'M GOING TO BE A COCK BLOCK for 5 minutes
hey bro how do you do that fake vagina thing with the tp roll? im bored.
Superbowl and Mardi Gras a week apart. World's longest bender here I come.
just found out my horoscope sign is scales. it's like i was destined to be a drug dealer
Oddly enough when I decided to stop whoreing myself out... I lost most of my companionship.
Did I hear correctly when it sounded like he said "just don't let me throw up into your vaj?"
i'm pretty sure they aren't charging me for that window i broke with a turkey sandwich while i was hammered.
Well sundance is in town and Im going to use my one and only shot to bang Taylor swift... Does it count as a random if shes famous?
You threw an open can of pop at me while I was lying on the floor babbling and drooling about how I need to be alone forever, me and my leaking face.
So half of us were already throwing up outside when the Ukrainians ask us if we're ready to start partying yet. I love this country.
I can't drink with the moms anymore. All they talk about is lactating.
alright. I just need to set some ground rules, no lighting me on fire, and no broken bones. fair?
My Tinder date from last night is my Uber driver for tonight's Tinder date...neither of us said a word.
Facebook: “Hey you fucked on a diving board, you should probably should wish him a happy birthday”
I’m appalled by how severely I lower my standards when I’m horny & impaired
Randomize
