I think i sorta joined a cult last night
eating toast while peeing. You think this what kanye meant by the good life?
A disheveled girl in front of me just looked down, shrieked, and yelled to the girl next to her "what is this" while pointing at two large white stains near the crotch of her black jeans. I love that Thursdays are weekends, it makes awesome Friday mornings
Pretty sure a homeless guy just told me to 'lick his balls clean' because I looked at him.
My professor just told me I'm living a lie and I found puke on my pants. How do you think it's going?
No. I'm drinking straight up vodka right now. With a pineapple in it.
That'll put some boobs in that bra.
No, it's cool, I just bounced from the hospital. I was...talking to a security guard, maybe?
I never thought my Saturday night would end up with someone crawling around my carpet for 3 hours trying to pick up spilled coke...
I never thought my Saturday night would end up with ME crawling around your carpet for 3 hours trying to save my investment.
I almost had sex in a public restroom last night in case you're wondering how much of a mess 22 is for me
There is a dude riding on one of those standing wheel things inside forever 21. Calm down.
I just want him to hold me after a bad midterm. Is that even too much to ask for after sleeping with him twice?
Life's hard when you can't differentiate between retrograde and PMS
Im goin to jail bro ill talk to u sun
He tried to throw up into a beer bottle. It was a complete disaster. Vomit went everywhere. It put the Bellagio's fountain to shame.
My alcoholism is old enough to drink.
Randomize
