Bad news: I had to be at work at 7:15. Good news: no one had used the bathroom yet so I got to defile a freshly cleaned stall
tried unsuccessfully for 10 minutes to do bong hits while wearing glow in the dark vampire fangs before realizing air was getting out of the sides of my mouth
i swear to god even though i took those meds before coming here i did not hallucinate zulema silently throwing up into a breakfast burrito
She had forties taped to her hands and was trying to give him a hand job while he was passed out, with everyone in the living room.
I'm pretty sure I did the Macarena with a gay guy while shot gunning a beer
Some drunk guy thought my knee scooter was the sexiest thing he's ever seen. He then proceeded to ask me about duck hunting and decoys...
Just an FYI if we break up I'm going to sleep with your cousin or who ever my dealer is.
All three of us got laid last night. This is what is commonly referred to as the Trifuckta.
Last night I dreamt that I sold my car and used the money to have wheels surgically implanted in my feet and legs so I became a human heely and I just rolled everywhere
She showed me her tits outside Taco Bell....After she flashed the dude working there in an effort to get in.
Why can't all sociopaths be as fabulous as me?
This is the second time this month a hookup cried when I left...bro get your shit together bar does NOT equal wife 😬
Did you see her happy birthday to emily on facebook? The gist of it is like: hey emily you almost died at birth im glad you didn't. love mom.
God gave you your own nipples for a reason.
You’ve seen my tits of course he broke his wedding vows
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