I wish I could test you the smell I just had to experience. It smelled like this lady was microwaving squirrel rectum.
they're using the ping pong table for ping pong. it's weird
Drinking with mariachis at jimmy johns.
Did you just buzz the apartment and throw shit at the window? Josh and rob came into my room and woke me up
Fuck you Ian. U owe me $3.65 cuz thasts what I thfrew at ur window trying to wake ur ass up. And fuck u for not giving a shit
hot buttered vodka was not a success. on any level.
My liver was like a college freshman on spring break. It would've danced topless on tables if it could have.
Holding a cold bottle of mikes hard lemonade against my pulverized taint....this is my Sunday night
I fell in the river last night. The allegheny to be exact. Omg getting drunk at work gatherings is dangerous
I can't believe I forgot to wish you a happy 13 week-iversary of the time you raw-dogged a rando. Only two days late, so it still counts. And since your 14 weeks is coming up, you should know that at 14 weeks your baby can squint, frown, grimace, pee, and possibly suck his/her/their/zir thumb!
Also I told several people at the bar last night that my dad the alligator wrestler died wrestling an alligator. So if anyone asks that's real.
How awkward is it to have the guy you used to sleep with congratulate you on your engagement? I'll tell you. Very.
WHERE THE FUCK IS MY ARM DO YOU HAVE ANY IDEA HOW DIFFICULT IS IS TO TYPE WITH ONE HAND
She turned down sex for beer pong. I'm not sure if I should be disappointed or not.
Wow I really just sharted up in this Kroger
i cant believe the cop was fine with you saying no we are in a hurry when he asked to search your car
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