i chose cheese fries over sex for the third time this week.
He said i was a degenerate twofaced catholic slut and a grade a bitch. Quite complimentary really. i guess i shouldn't insult the red wings
Are you going to tell your therapist we boned?
Wow, you know I need to stop drinking alone when I pour my drink into my hand and offer it to my dog,
she was seriously choking and the whole time all he kept saying was "that's what she said"
New Jersey isn't a real state, it's just a myth you tell little kids to scare them like Canada or Carrot Top
Fucking plugged the shower with taquitos I just threw up.
You can't be mad because the taco bell people like me and not you. I'm not the one that puked in front of them.
I woke up and he used my makeup to write "hope you don't get pregnant" on my mirror before he left
Its people like u that make people like me go to rehab. He has a lazy eye for christ sakes.
So I have a scar from when the stripper tore off my underwear .... Best birthday ever
Beans, may the odds of a nip slip and drunken make out session be ever in your favor
Hired a new intern today and we have something in common. I blew her boyfriend in high school. Do you think she knows?
Is there an "I fucked your brother" emoji?
If this adventure is going to get us arrested it'll have to wait until Wednesday so that I can bail myself out.
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