I had a bacon mcgriddle for the first time today. It was like eating a baby angel.
ever seen your mom drunk enough to lick your face? i have
beeferoni + vodka = puke stuck in braces.
Last night I dipped into my beer fund to pay for groceries. SINCE WHEN ARE MY PRIORITIES SO WHACK???
I just had a dream that I was pulling you around downtown on a sled, from bar to bar. Dear lord if we start that there's no hope for us
At some point tonight the bad ideas in my head became bad decisions that happened outside my head
we got kicked out of McDonald's because you kept screaming THAT SHIT CRAY at the woman in front of us because she ordered a fish filet.
...that shit cray.
I don't always steal things but when i do it is a six foot five dos equis guy
drinking ice water after you brush your teeth, is like Antarctica blowing a load into your mouth.
i told the cop we knew everyone at the party, it was 250 of our closest friends and she's like funny nobody on the balcony knew whose house this was
Thats why they were on the balcony!
Vibrator fell off the top of the dresser and hit me. This might be the most embarrassing black eye incident ever
Just watched someone fail a field sobriety test. Miserably. At 4:50p. I think it's my future husband
God bless him
Jarrod's passed out on the chair with a cup of milk and I've been staring him down in an attempt to use telepathy to make him spill it. Attempts unsuccessful.
Do you think it would be weird to wear a shirt that says 'big fun small package' from an ex for a first date?
I didn't really break out of the friend zone, as much as I blasted the doors off with high explosives and rode through on a grizzly bear...
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