I considered driving home in his mom's bathrobe until i realized i'd have to stop to buy cigarettes
I just saw a pregnant woman with a cigarette and a beer walking into the Larry the Cable Guy show. I'm glad my taxes are paying her medical expenses.
My mom just called and reminded me not to throw up in any cabs tonight. Happy St. Patty's Day.
Nah the bridesmaids all had dates. I slept with the next best thing: girl who WANTED to be a bridesmaid but didnt make the cut.
She crushed my hand with the box spring last time, so it's all good.
last nights episode of shot friends brought to you by polish vodka and flamingo baseball. pickles cure hangovers.
you were sat in the corner crying until someone gave you a baguette, which you then tried to feed to the duck doorstop.
I regret nothing
The party went downhill once the fire department had to be called to put out the kitchen fire.
I've started a list of places i want to drink. To go along with the list of places i want to have sex. Lincoln's log cabin is on both.
Anderson Cooper just came out.
Crying tears of glitter and rainbows right now. Gonna decorate my dildo like My Little Pony in his honor.
The best part about this city is obvious. Someone saw me crouching by a bar pissing in my leftover Panera bread bowl and they just winked.
Operation: pick up a lawyer was a resounding success. Commence operation: football mugshot weekend
She made me walk a straight line to prove i was sober enough to help carry you to the car
Knowing you it was perfect out of spite. Like. A line straighter than YOU
I wouldn't be able to live with myself if I blew a Trump supporter.
It began the way the best stories do—with some naïve jackasses in a place they had no business being at.
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