nothing says happy new years better than a black eye from shooting yourself with a champagne bottle
right before he passed out he said "take care of your tender spirit"
You didn't know it was a gay bar until the 7th guy rejected you. You were crying because you thought it was just a bad night. No more for you.
after last halloween when i met that 26yr old guy from russia who was hot until we madeout and he became obsessed with touching my forehead after the ecstasy he did and then tried to sell me pills from an m&m mini container, i think im staying away from parties downtown
After she lost the bet I made her get on one knee so she could "Te-blow me"
never underestimate the power of walking into a bar alone in uv cat makeup.. took home a seven foot man
how much ball-pain constitutes an emergency?
I did a hand stand against the glass wall at Ziggy's with no panties on and got 3 phone numbers. Thank God I shaved this morning...
How do I say "I still wanna hook up w you but I don't wanna see your penis via text ever again" through a snapchat
The dominoes guy came back thirty mins later to ask me out. I guess he figures if I'm eating pizza alone I must have gotten dumped
Woke up in a fanny pack with a bag of cocaine on my cheek
It was 3 am when she drunkenly tried to deep-fry a banana.
How'd she do that?
I JUST SAW MY THERAPIST OUTSIDE OF WORK AND I DONT KNOW THE ADULT THING TO DO
The highlight of my night will be digging in other people's garbage
My penis definitely considers my Captain Cock costume a success
Randomize
