turns out a healthy dose of cleavage is the equivalent of a swig of felix felicis
just found more coke in my pocket. i love not washing my jeans after every individual use.
I hid 4 bags of cocaine in your house. Have fun finding them
i just googled "alcohol delivery service". im combating drunk driving one lazy act a time.
so my doctor just swabbed my throat, and he looked up in suprise when i had no gag reflex. yea, he just judged me.
I just remembered yelling "they're gonna let me be a lawyer! Me! Why would they do that?"
threw up in a bar last night and got laid on an air mattress. my bucket list just got a lot shorter
We had a long talk in which he told me he respects me more than any other girl. 30 minutes later, I got a facial.
after that, he'll be sure to remember me. i'll probably forget him, but that's the way it should be.
Cuz its complicated and I hate complicated and I miss your penis
I need to have some sort of hot sex experience in a mask.
Whatever, I used my iphone to send an Escalade to pick up a booty call last week. For free. It is futuristic as fuck out here.
There are some people who should not be trusted with a cell phone while drunk. You know your one of them when you call the cops on your own party.
Sorry about peeing on your phone last night
Hey Girl, we got home safe!
I know, I drove you
Randomize
