How many nights a week you wake up with sticky boxers cause you were dreaming of Clay Aiken? Your wife mad?
Facials are how you say "I love you" in porn star.
I got tired of walking to the bathroom that I decided to throw up in a cup. I now have 3 cups full of vomit on top of my mini fridge
we usually just have an Easter beer hunt and never end up at church anyways
We've done the math and the dogs tails are wagging at a rate of 3000 wags per hour. Stoned.
I can pinpoint my loss of innocence as the moment I started masturbating with my teddy bears
Unless you've also woken up wearing a poncho and a ring pop, I suggest you don't judge me. Okay, I even judged myself for that.
I'm drinking wine from the cap of my laundry detergent container, wearing my bed sheet as a cape. How do you think I'm taking it?
Yeah haha but we have no idea where his keys are. Last night was awful. Him and Chancey were in a fully embraced bro hug at one point. Both crying.
I ran into my parents house and stole a bottle of vodka last night...Apparently left them a note that read "DRUNK. TOOK VODKA. BRING MORE."
I threw a dessert topping at a baby tonight so drink up! If you stay sober tonight I will be very disappointed in you.
We're the worst. Two people without their shit together do not make a functional adult.
Everclear isn't food dammit
he kissed both of us goodnight when we dropped him off...I didn't know if I was more offended or impressed
Vulcans are sexy now IT HAS BEEN WAY TOO LONG SINCE I'VE GOTTEN LAID
Randomize
