You were telling me about how you were gonna marry him, have his children and name them all woodchip.
One of my bosses just told me she's having communication problems because mercury is in retrograde this month. I think she's serious.
How am I suppose to look him in the face when I know a commercial lasts longer than he does?
you were stealing lawn gnomes and punching cars. I'm not surprised you got arrested.
Sometimes I wish I could peel his face off and use it to take all the money out of his account.
I think my hand is broken. But his nose definitely is
and after i failed the breathalyzer i said to the cop "i've never been very good at tests"....
Nice just gets you lonely or dead. I don't like those options.
Men are not even allowed to look at you without a condom on.
My neck kind of hurts. I think from sleeping on the concrete.
After we finished having sex, he drunkenly tried to hugh five me, farted, then accused me of stealing his socks.
I told her I'd rather set my hair on fire than sleep with her again. In retrospect, that was probably too harsh. My eye is still swollen shut.
i literally have the attention span of a weasel on steroids, but yeah, i know who you’re talking about.
MY TITS JUST CAUSED A CAR ACCIDENT ON THE HIGHWAY! i kid you not!! i thinl the giy is actually dead
The highlight of my week is I found some hetero porn I didn't completely hate. Branching out.
Randomize
