Every time we have sex I can't stop thinking about Jesus
ok, I understand that your bathroom door is broken, but at least close the blinds next time you take a shit. The entire parking garage just watched you.
Yeah? Well I'm currently predrinking downstairs in my room by myself. Absolut and water with a hint of mint because I'm using the glass I keep my toothbrush in. Fuck, you bitches better get off work soon.
Maybe STDs were invented to keep stupid people from having kids.
We really have to stop convincing people tazing is the cool thing to do.
the japanese bartender dressed as a cowboy in assless chaps just told me i was too drunk for another shot
should I tell them that both of them had sex with me last Saturday? it might be a relationship builder type of thing you know?
From what I can tell at a cursory glance, it seems that last night I fell asleep on string cheese and it melted into my bra.
You know you're doing well in life when weed is considered to improve your job performance
He told me he loved me and then peed his own bed. So at least it was a memorable one night stand.
I puked in the back of my mom's new car because I had too much to drink at Chilis. I think I just hit rock bottom.
I have no clue how you survived last night but I applaud you. 21 body shots off 9 bodies in under four hours has to be a record.
Well, I sent nudes with an Elmo t shirt on the floor... so there's that.
What am I thankful for..I figured out I can drink on antibiotics without getting sick thanks to the power of pot gummies
Access to a Target is paramount to my general happiness and self-worth.
Randomize
