i knew she was desperate at the point in which she started showing me her naked pics on her phone
you rearended a car with your bike and then puked all over his back windshield. They made BUI's for you.
Thanks for stealing lime trees for me at 4:00 am. We're well on our way to having sustainable supplies for mojitos this summer.
Pretty sure that drunken football on the back porch with 6 guys with a champagne bottle was a bad idea....
Please do NOT set off the smoke alarm when I am tied to the bed like this...
my wrists were so small for the handcuffs, i could slip them off and hand the tow truck driver my keys....
I'm sorry I dragged a dildo (on a leash) into your room last night.
We started telling people we were married, and then we hooked up on a park bench
Can we please get through at least one night out when you DON'T threaten to have sex with one of my parents?!?!
Hey. There is naked girl with "plz don't touch her. She just turned 21" sharpied on her chest. What happened last night?
By this time next year I expect us to have full time jobs that we can call out of so we can day drink on beautiful days like this. Oh, and grill.
I wanted lighthearted conversation about ordering bulk condoms and anal lube but he's depressed and talking about god hating him, ugh
Captain Morgan does not know self control. Nor does he teach it.
I just kept hitting the drum to get thru the crowd to the bar. Surprisingly it worked
My cat took a shit on the guy who passed out in the bathtub
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