I have funfetti in my underwear...will you come get me?
...she just doesn't genetically have the things I want my kids to have.
I'm in the laundromat a drunk armenian guy keeps trying to help me fold my laundry. Ah i'm going to miss queens.
There's nothing like puking in the airport on the way TO Vegas. Something tells me i pregamed a little too hard.
Puking on the side of the road and legitimately just got a head nod and thumbs up from an 80 year old man on a Segway... What the fuck?
Does Jim keep sending you pics of him in drag too???? If so, are you also slightly uncomfortable?
This hickey is now green and covers half my neck. I have an alien hickey. I think he thought my neck was dinner.
Apparently getting a blow job in the mens room from the bar owners daughter will get you kicked out.
I based a lot of our friendship on the fact that I thought you were crying from feeling so sad for me when I got crabs. I'm not sure if we can ever be as close now.
This couch is so comfortable I can tell if it's like a waterbed or I pissed myself
I just connected with one of your drug dealers on LinkedIn.
I tried to order champagne at IHOP last night
How'd the date with the redheaded dentist go?
She didn't like my gingervitis joke
she just kept straddling the railing to the stairs and shouting "come on Seabiscuit, lets win this for America."
Oh my god my purse is too heavy for me to dance with boys cause it has too many stolen sink faucets in it
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