i just had sex bonerless
just heard a swedish guy suck in helium and speak in his accent. top 5 favorite moments. ever.
handjobs have no place on a baseball diamond
I don't care how high you are, you can't finger me while eating potato chips.
I miss your penis. I'm telling you this as a friend, like its just a really great penis. You should be proud of it.
And then he tried to clean the throw up off my pants with 409
I might come over. Something about you makes me matronly and I have this urge to nurse you back to health with soup and a blowjob
I told the DJ last night to play Third Eye Blind before 1:45 and just pointed at him as I walked away. He didn't do it and at 1:45 I just walked out pointing at him, without my friends
Within the hour, he sent me 8 texts and 4 voice memos. One of the memos was just him whistling for 3 minutes. ...It's official, I attract the crazies.
Man. Apparently I blacked out between the 4th margarita and my air mattress. Asleep in my jeans at 10pm. Mom outdrank me again.
I hate drunk me more than anyone else in this world
We figured you were on something when you said that your nipples couldn't hear the music.
I feel like my liver should be on crutches right now
We banged in my car doggy style with my head out the window. The sky was marvelous and I saw a shooting star. Its destiny; we're meant to fuck forever.
She dry humped my leg in the raw while I was still dressed, came, and then fell asleep on top of me. All I got was a bruised thigh. 2020 needs to end.
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