I accidentally had phone sex last night
We were drinking cognac with TAB. I felt like trailer park royalty.
Just found out I slapped a vegan in the face with meat last night.
Kristy will be communicating through my phone. Due to her current blood alcohol level, the laws of Pennsylvania, Erie county, and common decency have deemed that she is no longer permitted to have her own phone.
no one was sober enough to set up jenga so we just threw the pieces at the last person to drink
She asked if I could convince him so shave that shit off his face so he'll have a snowball's chance in hell of getting laid.
We're like adult pinky and the brain when they decided that taking over the world is unrealistic so they aim lower by trying to get drunk every day.
he started frosting cupcakes and licking the mini-spatula realllllly deliberately and i don't know if i'm more attracted to him or the cupcakes
I'm not sorry for loving America more than everyone else
so in case you needed a ticket for the Hot Mess Express, I'm the conductor now.
Nothing says hey I wanna be your friend again like ambushing me with a dick pic
They kept freaking out that you were missing and potentially having sex.. like it was a bad thing. Got fed up with hearing it so i just yelled "ITS HER BIRTHDAY AND SHE CAN FUCK IF SHE WANTS TO!" They gave me unnecessary looks. I thought it was acceptable.
Like Napoleon Dynamite?
Exactly like Napoleon Dynamite
But with bacon.
Noooo no no no no. She scares me. She means business. She wore a diaper when we went to the bar.
Christ, I'm so hungover I pretty positive I sent Luna to school with salsa instead of jelly on her sandwich.
Randomize
