i thought he was 22...he said he was 25..he was 19...im 26..it doesnt count if you dont know right?
I'm cleaning the house. And I can't stop listening to Enrique Iglesias. Am I gay?
I even have the new album if that helps you make a decision.
i just ate two sandwiches and am debating booty calling my landlord
Today in psych we learned that you are a whore.
Me specifically?
Yep.
I totally cried the whole time and then screamed out my new therapists name....
Remember how I haven't seen my step sister in like 7 years? Pretty sure I just made out with her...
I've discovered that regular handcuff keys, sadly, do not work on real police handcuffs.
I cannot believe this. A potential 2016 Olympiad wants my vag. To which I respond "GO FOR THE GOLD"
you have to be that girl in the audience holding up the sign that says i fucked the shit out of you
WHY IS HE GONE WHEN I ACTUALLY HAVE THE AMOUT OF ESTROGEN TO HUMP A SQUIRREL?!?!
A milkman. But instead of milk I'm delivering marijuana. And instead of a milk truck it's an armored car.
You're a weed delivery man, in an armored car?
Thanks for takin my cousin out last night, sorry I passed out so early
You kidding, the kids a legend. He literally killed a bottle of Jamison, made out with a girl AND her Mom at the bar, stole us slices of pizza and told the cab driver where to go in Spanish. He doesn't even live in the area. Can we keep him?
No. We can't get pedicures until my toenails grow back.
Am i obligated to tell my sister her girlfriend was my one night stand three months ago?
If you need me I'll be in the hospital involving super glue and fake eyelashes.
Can’t. Tonight’s a netflix and dick night
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