So drunk its hurt
He never called back after I emailed him my booty call contract.
are you serious? he told me he had to cancel bc his grandma came into town
well unless his grandma is 21 and blonde, HE LIED TO YOU IDIOT
oh my god i just remembered the cat blow jobs.
My patience ran out after you started clapping at the strippers everytime they took off a piece of clothing.
Either call me back or tell me you're in jail. For fucks sake. If this is a cop, just help out. national league.
That's why we don't trade sex for Taco Bell. It's called the dollar menu.
I woke up in a toga after going to a Hawaiian party. I don't even know.
I can feel my teeth in 4 dimensions. I shouldnt be this high at 8 in the morning.
literally 50% of my time being 20 has involved my genitals thus far
I'm fine with our borderline lesbian behavior.
I used an emoji to tell him I was pregnant. I should feel bad about that, right?
I just puke and rallied at my anniversary dinner #winning
I just woke and had to fish my phone out of a bowl of chili. I was wrist deep in it. WHO BROUGHT CHILI TO A PARTY?!
its not chili. and you brought it.
That same damn squirrel keeps staring at me like I did something wrong. Nature knows when you're hung over.
Randomize
