He should be on Bizare Foods after who he ate last night
First thing I heard on the radio when I got in the car: "humans and dinosaurs used to live happily together"... I need to stop listening to Christian radio...
how the FUCK am I supposed to macarena while doubble fisting?
I just asked the dr if it was herpes while wearing my shirt from the strip club...
I told you to stay away from the strippers in Oklahoma
well my dad not being home definitely made it less awkward to walk in carrying the bra I left wearing.
I don't give a shit if she's homeless, if you're gunna live outside el pollo loco and act like a bitch I'm squirting you with my water bottle
I'm going to need a Jurassic park sized pooper scooper to deal with all this shit last night caused.
You said you couldn't look at me because you would have to take off your sunglasses but you can't because they're the "guides to your eyes".
I Pavlov-trained him by smacking him in the nuts anytime I caught him looking at another girl in public. To this day, he's afraid to break eye contact with me in a restaurant if a tall busty blonde walks in.
Was he good-huge or like "what the fuck do i do with this"-huge
The fact that you got a stranger guy to buy you a pizza off tinder makes me feel amazing
I've spent so much time on tinder lately I just tried to left swipe an instagram photo of my neighbor
Turns out, the guy I'm casually fucking has a girlfriend who's cheating on him with my sister's boyfriends brother who I fucked last year. And my sex life has now come full circle.
I don't care. It's wine Wednesday get your gameface on.
I had more orgasms than hours of sleep this weekend. I’m going to keep him around a while
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