Just saw two guys having a lawn mower race, and their girlfriends cheering them on. Get me out of Tehachapi,
You broke her grandpas urn and ran your hand through his ashes claiming it was pixie dust. I think thats why shes mad at you..
I managed to convince my mom that my hickey was a birth mark I have always had. She cried for an hour about being a terrible mother for never noticing it.
When she can manipulate the direction of her leg hair, you know its time to leave
there is a large number of people floating in the fountains the morning in inter-tubes...its only 930. did i miss something?
My dad just questioned my drinking habits... Clearly he doesn't know what kind of college education he's paying for
I might come over. Something about you makes me matronly and I have this urge to nurse you back to health with soup and a blowjob
All I really remember is shouting "THANKS FOR LETTING ME MAKE OUT WITH YOUR GIRLFRIEND."
What can I say? You have this amazing power over straight girls.
It's snowing in May and there was a law school party at the strip club. The end is near.
Would giving a bouquet of flowers to my mother be a good way to say, "sorry you walked in on my boyfriend eating me out"?
Riding the train home at 6 am for class still drunk is losing its novelty in my junior year
You were definitely drunk. You gave him an otphj in front of everyone.
Dude. Steinbecking. It's when you double-fist coffee and alcohol to help you meet a writing deadline.
His abs are so defined he looks like a human xylophone.
This is the third time this month a guy I’m not dating has dumped me. How is this even possible???
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