I am so stoned and my professor is handing out candy. I love Halloween.
just saw an advertisement for the rock in the tooth fairy...can you say rock bottom?
Chick stood right next to me in the elevator. Like she had the whole elevator and she stood right next to me. So I farted.
She said I wasn't helping her abandonment issues by not responding to her texts at 4 am
he just sent me a pic of him naked with a bucket of margarita mix hanging off his dick
Oh my god. I just realized something amazing. If I get pregnant with a boy, that technically means I have a penis right??????
Also was told that I was her "third favourite booty call" - I'm taking this a good thing right?
It's a podium place so yeah...
You both ran and jumped into the tub yelling Jamaican bobsled team
i asked him to talk to me in french while we fucked and halfway through i caught the word 'lasagna'. turns out he was making his grocery list.....i asked him to keep going.
I'm sure the lady doing my pedicure could smell the sex on me.
I just told a guy I'm a cross of Kim K, Hilary Clinton and a dragon... He was still into it.
Jealous. I want an iud. Maybe there's a late night bodega that'll insert one for me
You gotta come over now. He is eating cupcakes while they are still in the foil.
I can't wait to see you & have espresso-fueled sex
Probably not. Getting pulled over and puking my guts out on the side of the road in front of the cop and him making fun of me, was not my finest moment. Plus I lost my debit card.
Randomize
