All I want to do is go home, strip down to my pants, get in the shower and pee down my leg
Unless I'm getting a singing midget telegram, I'm not going to smile
So I decided to start saving money for my abortion in a tomato sauce jar because it says ‘Prego.’ I know I thought it was fucking genius!
Hookers taste better with whip cream
Maybe we ought to get some pennicillin too
Fair enough
For some reason I knew you were going to smell like strippers and burritos when I hugged you.
I just woke up to find the whole kitchen sick had been converted into a gravity bong.
Everytime I am with a guy I hope his penis is as big as yours. It never is. Thanks for setting that bar.
Just sponge bathed with a swissper. Thrush inevitable. Shaking.
Can we put this graduation on the shelf figuratively and go drink
I have a present for you
Like a legit gift, not just me showing up and getting naked
Drinking hard cider in a room full of freshman girls. Never felt so secure of my manhood
I probably wouldn't
Do you ever get high and look at your cat and feel like you know them on an intellectual level?
After a crazy night, morning sex is just trying to find a position where you can thrust without getting seasick.
I just found a nug casually in my room under my duffel bag. Is this a sign I need help?
All right well I’m making her sugar cookies and sleeping with her husband tonight. Just another manic Monday
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