she just stood in the kitchen yelling "REAL WOMEN HAVE CURVES"
I don't know how God could bestow someone that emotionally confused with such an awesome penis.
Thank you, bloody toiletpaper I found in the hamper. I was worried that today was going to be boring.
i remember too much of last night for it to have been successful
She thought someone was breaking in but when I said it was me she got even angrier and threw a coffee mug at my head.
3 things. 1. is this real life 2. my liver hates me 3. keg race tonight
I just need to repress my desire to share my impressive chugging abilities with the world and I won't black out so much
I have a big to do list for you. Number 1 - me. Number 2 - drink wine 3. Talk my ears off. 4. Me again
Sober me admires drunk me's enthusiasm, but there is no way I'm going to make it out there today.
Lol drunk you is so full ideas and happy. Sober you is full of grumpy reality.
someone needs to name a hurricane after you
Going to dump some dried Xanax powder into some Mac and cheese. Can't think of a better way to avoid tasting it.
All I'm sayin is that I don't want to raise anything. Or deal with anything. Or having anything come out of my vagina. I mean, I don't think that's asking too much.
Started out playing table tennis then ended up fucking him on the table. Happy cinco de mayo
Accepting his friend request would be the Facebook equivalent of pity sex.
There's no triumph quite like finally banging your high school boyfriend 6 years later
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