She told me I was starting to look like a mermaid with herpes and I needed to stop it.
I just saw a guy in front of the courthouse giving himself a sobriety test and fail it...this can't end well
Did i throw a brick at someone last night?
Call me when you wake up. I wanna start drinking but I'm giving up hope on my life if I drink alone before 10 am
Woke up Christmas Eve morning with my face smelling like ballsack.. No regrets.
I kind of want to throw a lot of things at him. Mostly blunt, heavy objects.
I had phone sex with a retiree last night. This is not how I envisioned my 20s going...
I just took the soggiest of beer shits and all i have to eat is shredded cheese and more beer. I need an adult.
It's like that thing with the devil and the angel except one shoulder has orgasms and the other has stuffed crust pizza and depression.
The thought "Ummm which pants am I wearing? ...I *am* wearing pants, right?" just ran through my head. I'm done. So done.
Why can't I come over and snuggle you and make you lick my boots
hey at least you are getting hit on, i spent all day researching cat sedatives
Drunk you needs to learn how to call sober me, so sober me can talk your drunk vagina down.
My yoga ball is now going to be used for actual exercise instead of somewhere to suction cup a dildo
Hey, I left a taco in your dishwasher.
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