dude wtf did we explode in my microwave last night?
idk but i think it had a face
How is it that lesbians won't hit on me at a gay club, but they'll hit on me every time I go to Walmart?
weed brownie and a latte, breakfast of champions
All signs point to mom being high. 1) making chicken at 2 am. 2) dancing to smooth jazz. 3) she asked where the peanut butter was
I might not be able to enter cuba but that doesn't mean that a cuban can't enter me
organizing the empties. That sober.
When I came in she was screaming "boundaries!" at the cat because it was trying to eat her pizza rolls.
she hid the dish soap because she was afraid someone would confuse it with the margaritas and drink it instead. her reasoning was "theyre both soo pink...i cant tell them apart"
I just walked into my exam wearing a mans tshirt and Alex's size 13 crocs twenty min late carrying only a pencil and my heels...I'm not real
Dude I am not desperate enough to pay my dealer in change. Maybe tomorrow.
I used the hope and guess method to figure out who I slept with last night.
Is this like a preordered booty call?
That falls under the "unwelcome penises" category. Also that's definitely a sentence I never thought I would say
Just had someone from Hells Angels snort coke off my tits...so I'm pretty much done with life now. 💀
I look excited, but its just a facade.
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