fml, blew my nose and red sprinkles came out and did the splits when i sneezed
I've had that scene from "Parenthood" where Rick Moranis' character is singing "Close To You" to his wife in classroom, stuck in my head all morning.
I guess my mind is just wondering whatever happened to Rick Mornais.
i think i will get a tattoo on my butt that says "im not bluffin with my muffin", but i guess if i was serious, i would get it above my c-section scar
that girl looks like she smells like hot dog water...
Sooo, drunk me had the sense of mind to write down everything that happened last night.....I bet you thought you'd get away with what you did to my parrot.
jacking off on stolen wireless... gotta enjoy the small things in life
he ate out my asshole, i really don't think he gets embarrassed easily.
She kept chasing him yelling thief, because he drank some of her drink. That was at 8, it got worse.
hey i found one of your nipple clamps under my couch, i miss you!
you're avoiding the subject, i want to know how you ended up at the strip club with the dog, fucker
Xanax and an ambien. And wine. I'm just waiting for mouth to mouth from some hot EMT. Sort of like the slutty girls version of sleeping beauty
My life is a clusterfuck of men and disorderly priorities right meow.
I just got offered free tattoos if I smuggle some guns from OKC to Dallas for a guy in the hells angels
You just sent me an audio message of you peeing. That’s true love right there.
But I put cranberries and apples in my wine so it's festive drinking not suicidal drinking
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