All I remember is saying that "fire will make it all better"
I woke up with my bra stapled to the ceiling, her dad was in the hallway winking at me. I was the less drunk of the bunch.
Then he said something about how from that angle I looked just like his mom.
It's official, the cities waste management does not recycle porn.
Just watched a drunk girl hand her valet ticket to a cop and walk away.
I just rolled an Obama blunt and a Romney shame joint for tonight. Vote wisely.
His dick is so big it could be an arm rest.
I'm literally in the bathroom for two minutes and I walk out to a random dude with his face in your tits
Remember when I puked into a mesh garbage can in the middle of a meeting and told the clients it was "morning sickness"?
hahah yep
Well the are flying back here, it's been like 10 months, should I frame fake baby pics in my office?? Or too much?
4 pharmacies and not one had Plan B. If this is gods way of telling me it's time for a child, he can fuck off.
The worst thing about buying this extremely comfortable bed is that once I get a girl into it, all she wants to do is sleep. I want my fucking money back.
I wasn't that gone.
Dude, you cried and said how sorry you were when we asked why you had the dip.
Let's just say I peed the bed last night, and I wasn't in it alone. Whoooops
THIS IS WHAT CELL PHONES ARE FOR! So you can tell me that you're bringing your coworker who lives in the "Halleleuia community" home for a beer SO I'M NOT DRESSED IN LEATHER LINGERIE WHEN HE WALKS IN THE FUCKING DOOR!!
Just used a NyQuil cup to take a shot. This night is headed nowhere good.
Randomize
