Yeah, my mom walked in on us. Instead of yelling, she went and hid in the bathroom til we finished. It was pretty classy.
I'm still not walking right. We need some boundaries for "drink-or-dare"...
Really? How much of his life do you think he remembers? I'm pretty sure 75% of it qualifies as "kind of a blur".
ATTN: We are officially 15 weeks from our annual "Get-Mega-Stoned-and-BBQ" event. Start saving up the proper supplies. That is all.
Stop inviting me to your birth control calender reminders...my job is to test its effectiveness, not know its schedule
Lmao sorry
Oh thank the gods of upholstery, i thought that was never coming out...
The 78 year old woman who works next to me divorced her ex husband, remarried her first husband, and retired all in one day. I'd say it makes your breakup on Valentine's day pretty insignificant.
Can I write your parents a thank-you note for your huge dick?
I broke her handcuffs. I feel like an animal.
Last night I was introduced as the Picasso of getting fucked up so I obviously had to live up to it by chugging long islands
I can already feel the hangover I'll be having on New Year's Day. I don't know if I'm prepared for this.
I am at a point in my life where I don't want to brush my teeth for my tinder date because toothpaste and martinis don't mix.
She left a cookie cake on my porch, and the frosting reads "I'm sorry". She left me an I'm-sorry-for-punching-you-in-the-face cake.
If I didn't have booty calls, my apartment would never get clean
I managed to convince her that the egg yolks were actually orange juice and she fell for it
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