Dude if I didn't piss myself last night I dont think I would have woke up in time for work.
I ate a lot of your sunchips. I mean a lot. Like 4 to 5 bags.
So my boyfriend is on his way over and there is no time to wash the sheets from when I had his roommate over earlier. Put them in the dryer with a damp bounce sheet. Win?
This is a whole new level of slut for you....do they smell ok?
It was the first time I had seen his penis when it wasnt hard. It just looked so vulnerable and a little bit depressed.
I don't know where my bra went.
Welll you ran into the street, took it off and yelled "I'm a free woman!". And then you threw it at some homeless guy.
you spent 5 minutes trying to open an empty PBR and kept saying "don't worry i'll get it i've been working out"
I am sitting here. Drinking from a bottle of vodka. Eating shredded cheese from a bag and waiting on him to pick me up after he finishes with his girlfriend. This is what dreams are made of.
ok is that genuinely the first four bars of mozart's symphony #40 sharpied onto my arm or
You're getting spoiled, you better send me at least a side boob pic if you wanna see my dick dressed up as Davie Crockett.
Spent fifteen minutes in the car thinking i was psychic before i realized the cd was not on shuffle
No one understands the complete and utter debilitating 3 day bday bender.
Im going to seductively wisper "that butters my biscuit" in your ear
You peed in the sink and kept shouting "I'm the black swan! Ca-caw!"
You like that 95% of the time I masterbate I think bout you?
Just wanna know what I can I do to earn the other 5%
you have to get here a cop came into the bar and she looks like Sarah Palin. I think I'm gonna try and bang her
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