I feel like this woman may give her husband a hand job mid way through dinner. just saying.
i wanted to go smoke pot, so i told my mom i was getting tutored. she asked what time i would be back, i told her learning doesn't have a curfew
I'm home with mono, wearing knee high socks, shorts, a stained old shirt, and a surgical mask. He comes over ANYWAY with soup, a gas mask, billions of DVDs, and eats me out. He's either stupid, whipped, or i'm just THAT good.
Pretty sure I went to the bar in my bathing suit, sweat pants, and high heels.
we just saw you getting yelled at by the cops for trying to 'hijack' a street sweeper...how have you not been arrested yet?
noo you weren't that drunk. you just knocked the grill over and couldn't get the key in the door, so you climbed through the window. success.
I just sat through a State Farm mortgage Insurance commercial to watch a Trick Daddy video. Is this the target audience they are going for here?
the fact that he forgave me for making out with the bartender is proof that i can fuck my way out of anything.
Nope she woke up in a hotel room alone on 55th street. A guy in a lamborgini gave her a ride this morning. She was walking barefoot home
Thank you for calling me on to a higher level of debauchery. fuck anyone who says we aren't good for each other
In order to see him, he made me facetime with his penis, which he had drawn a smile face on. Getting laid shouldn't be this difficult.
Hey, so I'm not coming into work til Friday. Some guy I've known for about 8 hours just offered me a free vacation to Maui and bought my plane ticket. He's Aussie so I'm 75% sure he won't murder me
I can't believe I'm coordinating a threesome at work. My productivity is at an all time low.
I hooked up with a guy named Quan.. I literally hit the Quan
This year my vagina is giving thanks that several of my cubs are coming home for the holiday
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