He asked to "fluff my boner.."
I'm going to go hang out on a giant wooden pirate ship for 5 days.
woke up with 15 BAGS of hot dog buns in my passenger seat... jameson strikes again
I think I breastfed the cat at some point during the night, at least that's what my nipples are saying
So excited for tonight I might actually pee my pants BEFORE I get blackout
i just was bootyclappin in front of homeless men in a back alley
I wasn't hungover this morning. My head just hurt because someone tried to suction cup a dildo to my forehead.
Just walked out of my apartment and came face to face with a shirtless dude playing with his balls and trying to tie his shoes.
I just wanted to warn you I have strep throat incase I gave it to that guy we both hooked up with on New Years.
Sorry bud. Having a shitty day because the GF broke up with my wife and I. We really liked her too
No one's ever called me intergalactic cocksucker, before.
What does it say about me that I feel completely charmed right now?
The moment buddy the elf found out he was human is exactly like the moment I realized I was gay
I appreciate the fact that you sent me a snapchat of your dick soaking in a cup of water.
When your job has killed your spirit to the point that you don't want to flirt with the cute, tall guy at Enterprise
GIRL PLEASE. GO BACK AND POP THE TITTY OUT
Xanax, wine, and giving the neighbor blue balls. How about you?
Jesus, it’s Tuesday morning! Not back stage with Motley Crew
Randomize
