thats the only time ive ever had sloppy firsts
so you had a one ended conversation with the toilet las night in between barfs. you kept telling the toilet how strong it was because its gone through a lot of shit in its life.
drunk me is so punny.
I'm at the grocery store, it's 10 am and the woman in front of me just bought 3 boxes of wine. She turned around and told me not to be afraid
She jerked me off while she drove us back from Denver going 70mph. It was both the scariest and most erotic moment of my life.
The heaters out again. Makin a fire in thebroke toilet for warmth.
Your doorknob is in my back seat, in case you were looking for it.
just watched a cripple ollie in his wheelchair to get on to the elevated floor in the bar. I. LOVE. WISCONSIN
Tell me why I woke up spooning a hamburger like it was a teddy bear.
I stole something. Which direction out are you guys gonna go
with a cock that big I don't even care that he makes a convincing drag queen
Straight up asked lady in a lime green jumpsuit how to make your ass clap. That thing wiggled more beautifully than ocean waves at sunset
I was so drunk last night I asked a rando at the bar to take a picture with me cause I thought he was in the band
My fridge is empty and all of my food is in the bathtub. Just.. Why?
Well, I crapped my pants in front of her entire family, was laughed out of their house, and I had to walk home with shit stained pants. So, yeah, it went really well.
Tell me why i'm looking through my medical records and the last thing it said about my labor was 'vagina was explored'!?
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