Yes. Hungover. All the boys are going wakeboarding. Boys only. I wish I was a gay guy so I could go wakeboarding but still suck dick.
For future reference, the words 'big' and 'problem' should be used sparingly with a person whom you have recently had copious amounts of unprotected sex
Nyquil jello-shots aiding in health and happiness
Well I squeegeed the puke off your arm at the gas station
My building was evacuated who wants to quake and bake
Nah I'm perfectly content solely banging the married bartender once a week.
That's practically a relationship for you
So apparently I threw a potted plant at a clown last night and told him to get his life together.
They invited me day drinking but brought their kids. 3 two year olds and 1 11 month old. I was asked to change a diaper, I laughed and took another drink of this margarita. I LIKE CHANEL AND TEQUILA NOT CHILDREN. Can we make new friends?
He sent me a picture of his dick saying "your throne my lady" for my birthday. He knows the way to my heart.
Operation terrify all men while simultaneously make them fall in love with me is going quite swimmingly so far
Well now you know my birthday fantasy: gangbang consisting of men wearing NPR pledge t-shirts.
He caught me shoving meatballs into my mouth using my hand. Fuck utensils. It’s Christmas...and this is why I’m single.
They are good meatballs.
Blunts beyotch
What? Joints? Blunts?
I'll refer you to my previous text: "Blunts beyotch"
Nothing like having a family watch you dry heave at the end of the dock
Any luck with the purse?
No, though I did find her weed. Also her sons name is King. I'm uncertain how I feel about that
Randomize
