Is this going to be a big send off or a somber occasion? Just need to know if I should start drinking on the train or not.
Sometimes, in the course of human events, people get lit on fire.
I found a knife in my bed when I got back this morning. I think one of my roommates has it in for me
He had in his status he loved beating off and tagged his wife. another reason facebook should be for college.
She's a virgin AND a minister's daughter. We're one schoolgirl outfit from the dear penthouse trifecta
Call me next time you want to get irresponsibly drunk when we have grown up things to do the next day.
College: when you have to set an alarm to start drinking
It was so weird. She left to go to the bathroom and her older sister leaned towards me with a creepy smile and said, "You don't deserve her" and then continued to stare at me with a crazy expression for the rest of the evening.
That's kinky shit dude.
I want Samuel L. Jackson to stand beside me and narrate my morning shits.
Dude, you flipped off a cat from my balcony and yelled at it to get a house
That's not the problem. The problem is I thought I was over him but he smells nice today.
Life's hard when you can't differentiate between retrograde and PMS
One sec I was having the time of my life, the next I was shitting water
How high are you rn
Well I just ate a cheesecake straight from the box with a fork and now I’m laying upside down in a recliner chair seeing if I can Uber eats Doritos
So not that high
Dude I'm pretty sure everyone in my office knows I fucked our boss...can I ask for anything better?
Randomize
