I think I have swimmer's ear. From his tongue.
He had the Transformers symbol tattooed to his chest. We had to do it doggy style so I could laugh into my pillow instead of his face.
He kept spanking me and talking about biomedical science.
Aw, you fucked a pre-med? you're moving up in the world!
She sucked my dick while i watched james bond. And they say marriage sucks
I was so proud to be driving sober that I wanted to get pulled over so I could tell the officer I hadn't been drinking.
hey, this is the ginger girl from the party...i've thought about it and I wanna join the american girl drinking team
This is now the friendly bartender typing for him. He wants to be on you. He is going to "destroy your vagina". Good luck and sorry if this woke you up!
There are people taking shots out of a turtle shell.
You understand the drunkenness of my drunkenness
He gave me the award for most entertaining blow job. That should count for something.
All of the hungover. I've changed not showered but can't quite make it to the booze.
WE'RE IN THE RED ZONE PLAY THRU THE PAIN
I'll be thirty in eight months. I think my goal is too stop changing my pants in the parking lot at work by then.
That falls under the "unwelcome penises" category. Also that's definitely a sentence I never thought I would say
You know its an epic night when omar the garbage man gives you a ride home at 6 in the morning.
I woke up to rachel asking "did anyone else fall out of a tree last night?"
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