so he reminded me it was our 9 month anniversary and then said "we could've had a baby by now"
okay I may or may not have wrapped my body pillow up in your t-shirt and sprayed it with your axe and am now spooning with it.
again? I'm starting to get a little creeped out now.
Noooo. I told you she WAS a cancer. Not that she HAS cancer. This was the one time being a doctor didnt get you laid you alcoholic bastard
I woke up with no pants, someone elses shirt, but my new years crown still on. That is dedication.
The least you could do before I go into your room is throw away the condom wrapper from the other girl I know you're banging.
The last bar we left there was a sausage stand right outside and I apparently felt bad those guys were working that late, so I bought a $9 sausage, gave it to some drunk kid and said "I support local businesses!!" I'd say I've done my civic duty.
All i've had today is coffee and ketchup packets. I need a job like yesterday.
Actually some of the best sex I've had involved a lot of laughing.
How small IS your cock?
Casually on the bus at 830 in the morning with a box of cheezits and a bottle of fireball sticking out of my purse....
Apparently HR frowns upon current employees introducing themselves to the new employee as "Hi I'm sleeping with your cousin"
I really don't want to get drunk alone tonight. Like, I'll do it, but I won't enjoy it.
Can we talk about how she only slept with you because you remind her of a member of a K-pop group?
It's my birthday weekend! I'm getting a Brazilian and he's going to fucking Arkansas. Where the fuck are his priorities?
do you know of a way I can die but like NOT die? like not being unconcious, just ascending to an astral plane for a few weeks or months in real world time so i can sort my issues out away from the rigors of life kinda deal, you know?
my mom talks about my drinking like its a problem and yet this morning she fills me a solo cup with champagne for the shower.
Randomize
