everything is bigger in texas. Including my drinking problem.
My fucking roommate unpluged my alarm; I pissed on his clean clothes.
i dont know if you remember blowing your vomity nose directly into my hand...yeah thanks for that
You better drive. If I decide to let them talk me into a 3-way, I don't want you to be stranded.
he's washing the lighter in the sink and telling me to picture unicorns. requesting backup.
Well i'm not entirely sure considering he gave my vagina an early valentine's day card that said "you're purrfect."
my head feels like a yellow yolk spinning in a circle at the bottom of the bowl.. i may have a concussion, love auto correct
My concierge just asked me to his place for dinner while I was signing for a delivery. The delivery was a box of vibrators. Let's discuss.
if i ever wake up in the morning and don't feel a boner in my asscrack then this relationship is over
Having sex with him is like eating mayo. Don't think about it, just do it. It's worth it.
I went to smoke a bowl and realized that my lighter is out and there's still frozen blueberries in my bong... I need to reevaluate my life...
all im saying is 27 is too old to still be drinking 40s, you make more money than me, buy some decent shit
screw you you golddigging beer snob
If you sleep with him I will stab you int the uterus with a pitchfork.
Prepare the pitchfork.
Finally fucked my buddy's mom!! We are both ten years older and for her it really shows but i hit it!!
Nothing will ever be as awkward as looking my mother in the eye and talking to her while I have a dick inside me. Time for a lock on my door.
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