"Reality" and all separate lives are the same thing?... We all have separate realities?! My life Has one reality and yours has another?
Haha how much did you smoke
4 feet of smokeee!
She's sitting on the couch buck naked, eating a cupcake for dinner. I'm breaking new ground as a parent here.
I just bedazzled my weight watchers points calculator. You can tell I'm gay.
Apparently blazed enough to think that the sizzling meatballs in the pan were calling your name...Ssssteeeeeve
the best sex is "duke just lost" sex.
could you please tell me why you thought vodka soaked band aids were a good idea?
So I feel like I should have had a going away party for your dick. Complete with balloons and cake. Yeahh that's right. I'm gonna miss it.
Just when I thought he had turned a new leaf, I see a "Let me get you pregnant" shirt in his closet
I lost a whole day of my life. Apparemtly I was using my deodrant as a phone. And is my phone there?
She mentions her boyfriend one more time, I'm taking her home and breaking that shit up.
You are lucky that I'm drunk. Otherwise I would bone you into another universe
Please tell your sister I apologize about saying her baby may have beef curtains. That was inappropriate.
He texted "fuck you" before blocking me on all social media. Come to think of it, that's also the last thing my mother said to me. Could it be that I'm the problem?
Last 4 google searches: class c felony, scary ghosts, peanut butter jelly time, Lindsey lohans vagina
I finally realized he drank way too much when he tried serenading me to the song "come my lady" while slowly and creepily making his way toward me...keeping constant eye contact.
Randomize
