I've come to the conclusion that the only reason I fucked him was because he reminded me of Seth Rogen.
My phone now changes "me" to "mrrrrrrrrh", thank you new years.
He was waring a speedo fashioned out of american flag bandanas and when he got hard he said "you're such a patriot...raising the american flag like that"
other than her wanting kids and me wanting to do drugs,were perfect for each other
Well we're gonna drink when we get home and I just invited the cab driver to play beer pong
The bouncer at this strip club is my new best friend. He is also very persuasive. He got me to strip onstage for a t shirt. It's a nice shirt.
Please stop leaving drunk voicemails with your new black/Irish accent.
I might have been fine if i had magic teleportation powers and could have skipped the car ride between bar and home
I just saw him carrying his little sister while walking his puppy. And he was shirtless. I swear my ovaries just exploded
Boys DO look like their dicks. Its like dogs.
Then he kept saying sentences and ending them all with "the point of no return" even if it didn't make sense, and kept telling this other guy he wouldn't be his "wife son"
As we were passing the joint around, people were dunking Jenga pieces in Vaseline and sticking them to the window. I also smoked weed with a girl that was in an above the influence commercial.
I just sent Brandon a snapchat where I wasn't wearing a shirt but had a rooster drawn on my boobs that said "cock block" and laughed for 10 minutes I have problems don't judge me
To drink from my fkask next to a cop car or to not drink from my flask next to a cop car
You reeked of guilt and shame and we offered you pancakes
Randomize
